Heath, The Ultimate Joker

Monday, October 30, 2006

I need it 4 yesterday - delivery 25

#122- “Can you send me a matchprint of Kate Moss’ face as a reference?”
(Client, Product Assistant)

#121- “Please, I need the photos in .ai”
(Client, Marketing Manager)

#120- “This will only take a moment. Just by stretching it from one side it’s already adapted to half a page.”
(Agency, Art Director)

#119- “Can you change the word ‘exquisite’ on the ad? Words including the letter X are way too complicated.”
(Client, Marketing Manager)

#118- “It’s amazing how well you interpreted the brief. This piece is exactly what we wanted, you could not have made it any better, I love it. But I also think it’s too good. This is for a bigger client, a more international one. We’re not like that. See if you can do something shittier that we can use.”
(Client, same Marketing Manager)

#117- “This is a picture of how I want the ad. I had to draw it in a napkin.”
(Client, same Marketing Manager)

I need it 4 yesterday - delivery 24

#116- “Can’t you make that dog smile? Don’t you have a smile filter on this expensive machine?”
(Agency, Owner)

#115- “Let’s print in 2 colors so it’s cheaper. Make it black and white.”
(Client, Area Manager)

#114- “What’s the cost of doing a radio spot?” - “$ XXX.” - "And if I pay that amount, how many times I can put it on the air?”
(Client, Area Manager)

#113- “We need your help. According to what I understood from the client, we have to put subtitles on the radio spots. Is that doable?”
(Agency, Account Assistant)

#112- “The client is asking if the copy can be centered to the left.”
(Agency, Account Assistant)

#111- “If we do the poster 40 centimeters wide and the height in proportion, will it look awful?” - “No, it would still be in proportion.” - “OK. What if do it in 20 centimeters wide and the height in proportion?”
(Agency, Account Assistant)

Saturday, October 28, 2006

I need it 4 yesterday - delivery 23

#110- “But this campaign is a ‘copy page’ of the previous one!”
(Client, Marketing Manager)

#109- “The thing is, when a logo is in JPEG, it ‘pixelizes’.”
(Client, Marketing Manager)

#108- “But… they placed the sticker backwards!”
(Agency, Account Executive, looking at a transparency from the back side)

#107- “You write to him. Tell him I’m not here.”
(Agency, Designer, asking another one to reply to a client on the MSN Messenger)

#106- “When will the ´brochette´ be ready?”
(Agency, Owner, meaning ´brochure´)

#105- “And now… the ice cake!”
(Agency, same Owner, meaning ´icing on the cake´)

Friday, October 27, 2006

I need it 4 yesterday - delivery 22

#104- “These measures for the ad, are they live area or trim?” - “As you prefer!”
(Agency, Account Executive)

#103- “How can you solve a major mess in 3 days? With promises, not with facts.”
(Agency, Account Director)

#102- “I asked for a printing budget in 2 colors and in 4 colors.” - “And what colors are those going to be?”
(Agency, conversation between Designer and Chief of Production)

#101- “Minimize, minimize!!! Don’t keep that many windows opened, you’re going to break the computer!!!”
(Media, Team Coordinator)

I need it 4 yesterday - delivery 21

#100- “I’m sending you a 100 kilowatts photograph. Is it good for printing?”
(Client, IT Manager)

#099- “I’m sending you the matchprint with a delivery boy, so you sign it and we can start printing.” “Why don’t you send it via fax so we save time?”
(Client, Brand Manager)

#098- “I loved the two alternatives you showed me, I didn’t know which one to choose. So use the yellow layout on the brown one, and the brown layout on the yellow one. And send me the prints so I can decide.”
(Client, Product Manager)

#097- “It’s important to state that this event will take place on the first day of Spring. We can incorporate that in the communication, in the layout as well as in the frame of the communication. But we don’t want it to be highlighted in the communication.”
(Client, extracted from a brief)

#096- “Can you add a tube color to those pipes?”
(Client, Project Leader)

#095- “I think a PSD is what comes in a CD.”
(Client, Marketing Manager)

#094- “Will a Mexican agency know what an FTP is?”
(Client, Marketing Manager)

I need it 4 yesterday - delivery 20

#093- “It’s a minor modification. We’re just changing the content and layout of the whole website.”
(Client, Marketing Manager)

#092- “I’ll send you the changes in a few minutes, but start mounting in order to save time.”
(Client, Direct Marketing Analyst)

#091- “Spring is not premium. Spring is not American Express.”
(Client, briefing a Spring promotion)

#090- “You can search by kind of food, you can search by neighborhood… Or fuck you and search for yourself.”
(Client, Area Manager)

#089- “I can’t say how long it’s going to take to do these changes, you didn’t send them to me yet.” - “I still want a date from you.” - “But we don’t know whether we have to change the legal copy or the whole concept… Can you give me a hint at least?” - “No, we didn’t see the work yet.”
(Client, Direct Marketing Manager)

#088- “That sky is not Dove.”
(Client, Assistant to the Brand Manager)

#087- “If there’s a brief, it’s a mistake.”
(Agency, Account Executive)

I need it 4 yesterday - delivery 19

#086- “I don’t understand why the legal copy is in Latin. Is that a creative thing?”

#085- “I need your help. When I print this Powerpoint presentation, it comes out slanted in the pages. Can you fix it?”
(Client, Area Manager)

#084- “No, don’t use this! These are not clients of mine and I don’t want to show them my identity!”
(Client, same Area Manager, looking at an acquisition mailing developed under the brand guidelines)

#083- “I asked for the photo in high resolution! I can’t work like this! A photo is in high resolution when I can’t see it in my computer!”
(Client, same Area Manager, when receiving a JPEG in high resolution)

#082- “What are those lines on the side? Take them out, they don’t look right.”
(Client, Assistant to the same Area Manager, looking at crop marks)

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

I need it 4 yesterday - delivery 18

#086- “About the image, let’s use that one but ‘trop’ the woman a little.”
(Client, Marketing Manager, meaning ‘crop’)

#085- “Do I putt the CD in that sort of cupholder thing?”
(Client, Marketing Manager)

#084- “Take out the graphics from the Powerpoint. They make me dizzy.”
(Client, Marketing Manager)

#083- “What a coincidence! I have the same sticker in my computer at home!”
(Agency, Account Executive, pointing at the ViewSonic monitors logo)

#082- “There are no folders in this zip!” - “Did you unzip it properly?” - “Obviously.” - “And where did you create the folder?” - “There are no folders, I’m telling you!” - “How are you unzipping it?” - “Double click on the zip file.” - “No, you have to extract it so it creates the folders…” - “You’re so complicated… Why don’t you just send me the folder?”
(Agency, Account Executive)

I need it 4 yesterday - delivery 17

#081- “Assignment: Create an ad for business magazines. Target: Readers of those magazines.”
(Client, Area Manager)

#080- “What is this ' ioioio' ?”
(Agency, Owner)

#079- “We’re a serious company. You can’t use the international symbol of the vagina on the cover.”
(Client, Area Manager, looking at the image of two hands framing a photo)

#078- “I don’t get paid for thinking.”
(Agency, Art Director)

#077- “Thinking in vain, that’s our business.”
(Agency, Account Director)

I need it 4 yesterday - delivery 16

#076- “What are you doing?” – “I’m conjuring good vibes for today’s presentation.”
(Agency’s owner, answering to an employee who saw him walking around burning incense.)

#075- “I don’t get this estimate. You wrote 4-color printing and I want more colors. With only 4 we’ll get nowhere.”
(Client, Manager)

#074- “Guys! Good news! We have HIV!”
(Agency, Account Director, announcing that a spot would be filmed in HD.)

#073- “You guys do offline work too?” - “No, only web.” - “OK, anyway do everything so we can use it in the Internet and in print too.”
(Agency, Content Coordinator, talking to web designers.)

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

I need it 4 yesterday - delivery 15

#072- “Here’s the brief to do the ´screen server´”
(Agency, Account Executive, asking for a screensaver.)

#071- “Did you burn the CDs I asked for?” - “Not yet.” - (sighs) “Some day I’ll have the agency I want.”
(Agency, owner, asking a creative to burn music CDs.)

#070- “Guys, this week it’s your turn to come up with ideas for Channel X. There’s no brief for a brand or product, but they need ideas for sales during the summer. Some possible products: Air conditioner, sun tan lotion, hair and skin care products, ice cream, sodas, mineral water, beer… If you can think of more products, great. There’s not a date set for the presentation, but they want it quickly, so bring ideas on Friday or Monday so we can present on Tuesday or Wednesday.”
(Media, Manager, briefing.)

I need it 4 yesterday - delivery 14

#069- “My son is a graphic designer so minimalism follows me.”
(Client, Marketing Manager, looking at an ad.)

#068- “The copy is too small, enlarge it or put it in bold type.” - “It’s already in bold and this is all the space we can use.” - “Well, if you can’t enlarge the text, enlarge the van.”
(Client, Marketing Manager, exchanging e-mails about the plotting of a van.)

#067- “What if we use those ´pop arts´ or banners from that guy…?”
(Agency, Content Manager, confusing ´pop ups´ with Andy Warhol.)

#066- “Can you print this banner but animated?”
(Agency, Account Executive)

#065- “The Roadrunner… A despicable human being.”
(Agency, Creative Director, talking about the cartoon.)

#064- “It lacks branding but we can solve that with a voice over saying the name of the brand.”
(Agency, Account Director, commenting on a jingle whose lyrics consist entirely of the name of the brand, sung 7 times, and the word “grapefruit” sung 4 times.)

Monday, October 23, 2006

I need it 4 yesterday - delivery 13

#063- “I call you because I’m watching the ads with the client and I’ve just realized I don’t understand them either.”
(Agency, Account Executive, calling in the middle of a presentation)

#062- “The Brand Manager thinks this type is too creative. He suggests Arial.”
(Agency, Account Executive)

#061- “We still don’t have the right layout. The figures on this piece bring a feeling of emptiness, of absence…”
(Client, referring to silhouettes very similar to the iPod campaign)

#060- “Well, that idea I told you about was approved by the client. I need your help because I still can’t see it.”
(Agency, Creative Director, asking for help from the guy who would direct a spot she created)

#059- “No, don’t place the headline slanted. Can’t you see that psychologically you’re giving the impression that the brand is on its way down?”
(Agency, Art Director, instructing a designer)

I need it 4 yesterday - delivery 12

#058- “Can you send me the logo?” - “Yes. What size?” - “As big as you can so we can use it for other assignments.” - “How about 70 meters?”
(Agency, conversation between Designer and Account Director)

#057- “I need this color to be the Pantone of the brand.” - “OK. Send it to me.” - “I’ll take a photograph of the ad and send it to you, so you can get it from there.”
(Client, Brand Manager, asking a Designer to do changes in an ad)

#056- “You sent the pictures in low-res and I need them in high-res.” - “True, I did send them in low-res but you have to convert them into high-res. Why don’t you insert the CD in your computer and convert the pictures automatically?”
(Agency, Account Executive)

#055- “Look, I’m really short in imagination.”
(Agency, Creative Director, in a meeting with a photographer)

#054- “Those 83 mechanicals I’ve just asked you, I need them between tonight and tomorrow morning.”
(Agency, Account Executive, talking to the Producer)

Sunday, October 22, 2006

I need it 4 yesterday - delivery 11

#053- “I just thought an idea I saw in New York.”
(Agency, Executive Creative Director)

#052- “Art Directors are not good for thinking.”
(Agency, same Executive Creative Director)

#051- “The client has to send us the material but it’s 7:30 pm already. Is the FTP still there?” - “What do you mean ‘still there’?” - “Well, it’s late. Maybe he left.”
(Agency, Account Director, consulting a Project Manager)

#050- “I just sent a zip with the creative for the banner.” - “I can’t open it.” - “What version of Flash you have? It’s on Flash MX.” - “We have version 6.” - “Then install the plug in from the Macromedia website.” - “I can’t, the system is protected for security purposes. Let’s do something: Why don’t you just send me the banner by fax?”
(Client, talking with Product Manager)

#049- “In the back of the website, I’d like you to include this little headline.”
(Client, Brand Manager)

Friday, October 20, 2006

I need it 4 yesterday - delivery 10

#048- “Say that again. My toast is crunching.”
(Agency, Creative Director, on the phone with Account Director)

#047- “Which one is the french fries’ torso?”
(Agency, Creative Director, looking at a print ad for burgers)

#046- “When we talked about a multimedia website, I meant one including animations, video and sound, but I want it to weigh less than 30k.”
(Client, Brand Manager)

#045- “No, we’ll save the cost of hosting by putting the website in my laptop. It’s not that heavy after all.”
(Client, Manager, refusing to pay for hosting)

#044- “There are budget limitations. The budget has not been defined yet.”
(Client, Brief received by creatives)

I need it 4 yesterday - delivery 9

#043- “The mails aren’t coming. There must be a problem with band broading.”
(Agency, Copywriter, referring to broadband)

#042- “Brief? Why I should I read the brief? Creativity comes from here!”
(Agency, Executive Creative Director, pointing at his intestins)

#041- “I am the client and if I say you have to come here and masturbate me, you have to do it.”
(Client, Marketing Manager, talking to a female Account Executive)

#040- “I want all the agency here right now with Crazy Glue to fix this!”
(Client, same Marketing Manager, when a product display got unstuck)

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

I need it 4 yesterday - delivery 8

#039- “Please, I need the design for a circular sticker. Measures: 20 x 40 centimeters.”
(Agency, Account Executive)

#038- “Send that logo in Word or in Mac.”
(Agency, Account Executive)

#037- “Send that JPG in Illustrator.”
(Agency, Account Assistant)

#036- “Why should I pay you for this ads if I already paid for the outdoor? The creative is the same.”
(Client, Product Manager)

#035- “Guys, I need your help! It’s urgent! This transparency is in RGB or CMYK?”
(Agency, Account Executive)

#034- “So we meet at the Photoshop at 3 pm, OK?”
(Client, Product Manager)

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

I need it 4 yesterday - delivery 7

#033- “And start thinking about some animations for points of purchase.”
(Client, Area Manager, referring to activations)

#032- “Please, take out that name. It’s very unlikely that only people named like that will use this software.”
(Client, Area Manager; the designer used his name as an example in place of the user’s name)

#031- “You didn’t get the mails because they’re way too heavy. These images are around 400 watts.”
(Client, Area Manager)

#030- “You always send me the layouts too late. I will not approve them like this.” - “But we sent them at 2 pm…” - “Yes, but I arrived at the office at 6 pm!”
(Client, Product Manager)

#029- “This is urgent. I need to see the creative now. Put the print ad in a storyboard and that’s it.”
(Client, Marketing Manager)

Monday, October 16, 2006

I need it 4 yesterday - delivery 6

#028- “When do you want to see the ideas?” - “You didn’t get it! I didn’t ask for ideas, I asked for concepts! C-o-n-c-e-p-t-s!!”
(Client, Marketing Manager)

#027- “In order to do the layout, you’ll need the Word document in high resolution, right?”
(Agency, Account Assistant)

#026- “Please get me a camera now, I have to do a screen shot.”
(Agency, Executive Creative Director)

#025- “Problem: The bank is losing many of its retired clients. The main reason for this is their death. Objective: get those clients back.”
(Agency, extracted from a brief)

Saturday, October 14, 2006

I need it 4 yesterday - delivery 5

#024- “The sponsor’s logo, where do you want it to link?” - “Site A and site B.” - “No, we can’t make it link with two places.” - “Exactly. That’s why clicking on the logo you should be able to go to site A or site B.”

#023- “Hi, I want you to tell me what do I have to do, because I don’t know what the fuck is a browser. I’ll go to your office so you can explain it to me.”
(Agency, Account Supervisor, when told to drag an animated GIF to a browser)

#022- “I can’t see the website, it shows me an error.” - “What kind of error?” - “It says ‘no connection’.” - “Why don’t you try connecting to the Internet?” - “I can’t. I don’t have Internet access here.”
(Agency, Account Executive on the phone from her home)

#021- “Start putting the ad together, leaving black holes so we can place shots an audio afterwards.”
(Client, Brand Manager, asking for a TV spot)

Friday, October 13, 2006

I need it 4 yesterday - delivery 4

#020- “OK, this is the shot of the snail. It takes out its little horns pero it shies away and puts them back in the shell, like in doubt.” - “So the snail acts?” - “Yes!!”
(Agency, Creative Director, discussing a TV spot with the director)

#019- “It’s great, we only need the sound of the gnocchi falling on the plate. Did you get that?”
(Creative, consulting the audio operator)

#018- “Buying the products of the promotion, you participate in the promotion.”
(Agency, Account Executive)

#017- “Look for another, simpler headline. They don’t want too much creativity.”
(Agency, Account Executive)

#016- “The penetration of tampons is approximately 30%.”
(Agency, extracted from a brief)

Thursday, October 12, 2006

I need it 4 yesterday - delivery 3

#015- “There’s a little spot on the HTML.” - “Where?” - “Between the pictures and the description. I move around the little arrow and the spot stays there. Is it a mistake in the HTML code?” - “I don’t know about a spot, it’s very strange. Maybe your monitor is dirty?” - “Oh, yes! You’re a genius!”
(Client, Brand Manager, on the phone with designer)

#014- “Hi, I’m calling because I need to know how many newspapers you’ll print this Sunday.” - “Why do you need to know that?” - “I have to print my ads and send them to you.”
(Agency, Account Assistant)

#013- “Send me the photo in curves.”

#012- “Mmmhh… I don’t know, it’s like the white is too pale.”
(Agency, Account Executive)

#011- “Can you do this ad? It’s urgent, I need it in 15 minutes. It’s just an adaptation.” - “OK, what are the measures?” - “Well, you know the full page ad? Make it 25 x 4 centimeters. Thank you!”
(Agency, Account Executive)

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

I need it 4 yesterday - delivery 2

#010- “It’s very good! Very understandable. I showed it to the call center girls and they liked it, so it’s OK!”
(Agency, Account Executive)

#009- “No, the chef idea doesn’t convince me. In Puerto Rico they don’t know what is a chef.”
(Client, Regional Brand Manager)

#008- “See, now it looks fine. Now I really want to fuck this product.”
(Client, Brand Manager)

#007- “I need to know whether these logos, made in Illustrator, have enough resolution for printing.”
(Agency, Account Supervisor)

#006- “The last line in the copy regarding the offer, is in bold type. We should change that. The offer is not really that spectacular.”
(Client, Area Manager)

Monday, October 09, 2006

I need it 4 yesterday - delivery 1

#005- “When you come to the meeting, could you bring that ‘Mastone’ thing for colors?”
(Agency, Brand Executive, meaning Pantone)

#004- “Keep these pastel colors, but add more contrast to them.”
(Client, Brand Manager)

#003- “This ad has been approved. Can you adapt it to print in a pen?”
(Agency, Account Executive)

#002- “Well, actually, we have to say this but without saying it.”
(Agency, Account Executive, briefing)

#001- “This print ad must be a mix between what is there and what is not there.”
(Agency, Account Supervisor)